WOMEN WHO ABUSE MEN
Written by: Kathy Curry
Written and submitted by: John the Baptist
Recently I had a brother come to me and ask how to handle a very sensitive subject. I could only help him in part, but the issue concerns his marriage now that he is saved.
. He and his wife have been married for almost 20 years, but he’s only been saved about 3 years. She was saved before they were married.
He confessed that before he got saved he was able to “keep her in line” , but now she challenges him verbally and says things like’ “you know where the kitchen is at just like I do. Go fix your own dinner cause I ain’t cooking”. Or, Calls him stupid, talks back and he developed an attitude.
He told me that this has happened a few time during the course of the marriage and that he use to give her “a little tune up” and then she was fine for a few years. Just a sweet as a person you could ever want to be married to.
“John”, he said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to let God handle this, but the old man is telling me to go upside her head and she’ll get back in line. It’s always worked in the past and now she’s just totally disrespecting me.”
I told him about one of my personal experiences that was exactly like his and how that physical responses might work for awhile but eventually the problems grows into something really bad, like the woman getting hurt or worsre, the man going to jail and or a combination of all the above, plus the woman leaves the man eventually.
I suggested he and the wife talk to the pastor, get professional counselling, because the brother is ready to explode. He told me as much; that he has had it with her mouth.
I’ve always wondered why women don’t know when to shut up? That provoke and push and man with their mouth and then act all innocent like they didn’t do anything.
To me it’s spousal abuse. Clear cut and dry.
If some of you here have the answer to this issue please offer it.
August 20th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
This article was posted “AS IS” and was not edited by 7daybuzz.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
So let me get this straight. All this time you have been talking about boring topics and you give us this yawner? Why would you think it is a lively discussion to talk about giving a woman a “tune up” which I assume is doing something physically.
By “old man” is your friend saying God is saying to hit his wife or does the “old man” refer to your friend? That would be the second reference to violence against a woman.
So let’s sum this up. You want to discuss controlling a woman and/or sex predominantly, but you also mix in the fact that you are a tithe-paying church member. You sir, are one of the reasons churches all over the world get a bad rap.
Can we get back to some relevant, intelligent and informative subjects now? One thing you should know “Master of the blog” is that there are many people who read and do not comment all the time. I’m one of those people. Basically, it is the ability to shut up and listen, something you haven’t mastered yet. But since your foot is in your mouth after writing this article, maybe that will keep you quiet for a while.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:20 am
Well I can certainly say that I deserve the criticism, given some of my past antics. I’ll accept them withour retort. However this is something that really occured and in fact I discusssed it with the guy’s pastor because my name was bought into the issue. (For the record I only quoted the brother’s words and am not in agreement with him.)
This pastor has some experience and in fact told me that he has dealt with this issue on several occasions, which surprised me. I also found out thet there are a lot of women in the church who have been physically abused by men after verbally abusing the man.
It seems that a some men, especially the younger ones, don’t know how to handle being challenged by a woman and that some of the women don’t have control of their speech.
MartyG you’re entitled to your opinion and I respect that. I also understand that your response is based upon what information you’ve received and what situations you’ve personally experienced.
I was hoping that someone here is aware that this situation is occuring in the church and offer something constructive Marty G a.k.a. Tom.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:37 am
There is a forum on http://www.crosswalk.com on this issue Here’s how it started:
“This came up in my women’s Bible study and I’m curious what other church leaderships believe.
What is the appropriate way for the church to deal with spousal abuse when it becomes known? Should the church leadership leave it to the civil authorities or should they try to deal with it within the church first? What are some concrete ways they should go about dealing with this? Should the focus be on protecting the victim of abuse or on keeping the family intact?
Thanks for your thoughts… ”
Here’s two of the responses:
1. Depends on the level of intensity. If it was an isolated incident of mutual pushing or shoving, it might be more prudent to deal with it within the congregation. If it’s more severe in that it’s become an escalating pattern of abuse, you could be opening yourself up to potential liability if you don’t get the authorities involved and someone gets seriously hurt, or worse, killed.
Depending on where you are located, you may want to advise the victim to contact the Alternatives to Domestic Violence Crisis Hotline to determine how to best addres the situation. They’ll be able to assist with housing and other valuable services. They’ll instruct the victim on how to come up with a safety plan in the event a crisis develops and the victim needs to leave immediately. I don’t believe the church is the proper forum to deal with serious cases because of the potential harm that could come to those who are attempting to help the victim but may not be adequately trained on how to do this.
2. Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
Based upon assessment of situation: options…
-call civil authorities and have spouse removed from premises, follow through with procedures
-talk with both spouses and allow the abused spouse to decide with follow up and accountability
-remove abused spouse until reconciliation can be walked out
it’s situational
The only real experience I’ve had is a husband coming home drunk and threatening his wife with a loaded gun. He never touched her, but obviosuly it was a very dangerous situation. They also had small children.
We were called, we arrived and assessed that this was far too volatile…and called the police. We then walked out the entire process, to include their reconciliation to the end – took nearly 2 years.
It has to be more than lip service of commitment from a church – you have to be in community that will be involved with one another in a committed fashion that can handle this biblically.
If not…call the police – it’s what they’re there for.
Here’s a link to the forum if anyone is interested http://forums.crosswalk.com/m_3347861/tm.htm
I understand that within the church peole are very uncomfortable discussing this subject.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:55 am
To quote you John, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………………………………..
I have read literally everything you have written as far as comments. I think I have only commented two other times at this particular site but I have noticed, you are definitely a challenger. I too am surprised at this topic and the dull hum drum of the comments you posted under Marty G. “Depending on where you are located, you may want to advise the victim…Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy” Are you serious?
And does saying that it really happened make it more interesting? I think much of what has been written, on this site, prior to this subject, may have really happened. I find this real boring and of no interest to me in my life. I thought you were going to have something we could really sink our teeth into. I am not even a church goer so none of this matters to me…
For the record: from your past comments, I strongly question your declaration that you are not in agreement with the brother… doubt it!
How old are you John?
August 21st, 2008 at 7:49 am
“What you consider important others see as mundane.” Back at ya John! lol.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:52 am
I guess……….lol
I think much od what has been said is more about “getting back at John” than it is about what I wrote.
But it does prove me point. Why shouldn’t people be able to post what they want? If the admin doesn’t like it he’she can delete it.
I don’t doubt that what I wrote is of no interest to some. What I don’t get is why some of these same people got offended when I stated that their topics were boring to me.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:08 am
How about martyG aka martyG! Tom isn’t the only person with some sense. He let you post something and you are failing miserably. Don’t project to someone else.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:12 am
Prim:
I only copied and pasted some of the comments made on another site on the subject.. I thought that particular comment (“Depending on where you are located, you may want to advise the victim…Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy”) was ridiculous which is why I posted it. I didn’t expect it to be atributed to me.
I’m only trying to elicidate the ignorance on this issue however the issue is being obscured because of the character who authored it. (ME)!
Even more amazing to me is that the responders here are totally….let’s just say, “in the dark” on this subject. Maybe bringing it up was in fact the right thing to do.
Has anyone considering doing a little research to see if this is a real problem or one imagined?
Age 35 Prim
August 21st, 2008 at 9:39 am
Come on John, we did have slight anticipation leading up to your great non-boring topic!!! I don’t doubt reverse spousal abuse (in the church) and mouthy women are issues, but the spotlight is more on you and what you bring to the table because of all the woo woo woo you wrote about boring, boring, boring!!! Just like all the other topics that I rarely comment on because they are of no interest to me in my life, this one is no different. I watch the news, I know it is out there but that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to talk about it when I thought you were going to bring the subject of the century here! And I think you are back pedaling. If you had received more positive comments, I think you would have attributed yourself with, at least the sense to post this subject, but since you aren’t getting what you expected, (or maybe you are, who knows with your sideway actions) you say it is ridiculous and didn’t expect it to be attributed to you. Why didn’t you say that from the beginning? Man up!
You are funny, why do you think the responders here are totally….let’s just say, “in the dark” on this subject? What exactly lead you to that conclusion? Because we haven’t commented on the actual zzzz topic? I haven’t read where anyone said it is an imagined problem vs. a real one. Why did you say someone needs to do research? Is this the kind of topics you research?
Anyhoo… spousal abuse is a terrible thing whether a man inflicts it on a woman or vice versa. I know men like you who would like to see every woman put in their place. As I eluded to, I am not a bible scholar but I do know it says women are supposed to submit to their husbands as the husbands submits to Christ, or something of that nature. I think it is always funny when I hear men talk about women being obedient, yet rarely is that same man obedient to God or to his place and duties to the marriage. Are you a woman hater?
August 21st, 2008 at 10:01 am
You sure can say quite a lot very rapidly Prim. I’m not sure I’m going even come close to your level of communicating, but I do feel like some of what you’ve said needs some reaponse.
Generally speaking men don’t obey God as they should. I’m not a woman hater. Men have to deal with women’s mouths like it or not. My point is that since that is the case we, men, need to be aware of the problem and how to deal with it. Since you are not a man i don’t expect you to totally undersatnd how men feel on this issue.
What women say and how they say it IS probably the biggest problem men face. Men talk to men when they are alone and I knew what’s said repeatedly.
I was with some guys yesterday and this was the big topic:
” A man robs a bank and on the way out he sees a guy looking at him and asks. ” Were you looking at me?” The guy says yes and the robber shoots him.
He passes a second guy and asked the same question. They guy says yes and he shoots him.
The robber passes a third guy and asked the same question. The guy replys , “NO!, but my wife was.”
That’s how many men see it.
August 21st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
hmmmmmm…. you seem older than that…
August 21st, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I can only guess as to why you think that Prim. So far you’ve misinterpeted just about this entire post……
Maybe you need to slow dawn when you read and consider other angles than just the first thing that comes to your mind. (Just a suggestion)
August 21st, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“Since you are not a man i don’t expect you to totally understand how men feel on this issue”.
You are funny. What about those two paragraphs do you think I can’t and don’t totally understand? Contrary to your belief, what you say is not rocket science…
I wish I could easily find an old email or something with a similar joke about men. For every stance you have on women, I’m sure a woman could come back on you with a retaliation stance concerning the same issue.
And… did I ever say I was a woman?
August 21st, 2008 at 2:58 pm
huh? Trust me, I process and spit back out very quickly. Again, what is rocket science here that needs extra processing and consideration?
August 21st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
You all gave John exactly what he was looking for, a spark! Am I the only one that can see that he was looking to spark controversy, he was just bored that all; whereas, he shuck things up a bit. I don’t know about you all, but he is very amusing to me…:o)
Surely none of you believe that he was serious!
August 21st, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Carol
I don’t know how you got mixed in with these hillbillies..lol
This is just tooo easy…
Tom is so controlling that he can’t even relax and laugh. I bet I got him whinning to Kim about this John guy.
Him and Kathy, (might as well throw in that Primandimporper broad too; all believe that I’m some violent sex obscessed pervert from hell sent here by the devil to torment them.
I bet him and Kathy be beating their mates. That’s why they got so mad about the post.
Look at how many responses their posts have had. This post alone has had more responses than the last 8-10 posts on the entire board. Drama sells.
I am trying to teach the know it alls whoreally think I’m an inbecile… Hey Carol how do you like that last typo?? Was that creative or what?
They been beating me up huh? I’m loving it….I hope they keep on insulting me.
August 21st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
You need to fix your typo…You meant duh not huh….right?
August 21st, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Oh Lawd! I just read what I wrote. It was mean and insensitive and again I apologize.
I got this ego problem and sometimes it just comes out and I don’t even realize it.
Can I get back to the original subject?
We was discussing about people in the church abusing their mates. Some women complain about everything and men get tired of it. That’s why most of them go to the basement or the garage. Even the dog leaves. I don’t believe most saved men want to be provoked so they leave.
My question is this: Is naggin abuse? And does a man have the right to tell his wife to shut up? Ok not shut up but how about “I done told you for the last time that I don’t want to discuss it..”
Ok and what if the woman don’t shut…uh stop discussing it? Then what? Ain’t this how Adam got in trouble? “Adam. Eat the fruit Adam.” nag nag nag..unitl he caved in…..
August 21st, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I bet the folks at your job love you too…
August 21st, 2008 at 10:04 pm
LOL. Yes, nagging is abuse. When women nag, that means they are trying to fix you. You need to start working when they stop, that means they don’t care anymore.
I somehow get the feeling that you like to provoke poor unsuspecting folks into nagging: women, men, little children, the mailman, your boss, the dog…
You like it like that! You want folks to talk back to you, especially women folks and Tom.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:22 pm
John, this nightmare is about to end one way or the other. You decide and I will act accordingly.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:31 pm
John,
I know you may find this hard to believe, but I’m non-argumentative. I’m a peace maker, I say what I got to say, nicely, then move on.
Nonetheless, I have been wrongly accused of saying ugly things and a common voice, then acting as if I didn’t just say something really mean. It’s not what you say, rather how you say it;o)
I’m like you and a way John, sometimes my meaning is misconstrued and distorted.
I have good insight into human nature, I have a natural knack for feeling people out. I’m sure Ms. Kathy is the same as me. I can sense that she is a wonderful person, that don’t have a mean or nagging bone in her body.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Yes, it is abuse and you are trying with all your might to abuse Tom. Nagging, teasing, annoying…pick one.
Nagging is not a girl’s thing. What about when men nag women for things…
August 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm
That’s not true! Tom would never do that. That would be like the mean child that take his ball and goes home if he’s not selected team captain.
I don’t care what you say John, I know Tom is not like that. Just don’t use any four letter words and you will be alright. I told you, I have a knack for feeling people out, don’t asks me how, I just do;o)
August 21st, 2008 at 10:46 pm
See, now you trying to provoke the man! Oh behave!
August 21st, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Pour out a little liquor, cry me a river or do whatever. That is over finally.
Sorry Carol, but you should of got his email address and/or phone number.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 am
You kicked him off? that’s too bad, I enjoyed his humor:o)
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 am
Tom,
Please let him back on! I feel like it’s my fault for him getting the boot. I promise, I will not encourage him any more, nor expose him. I will only partake in intellectual dialog.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:13 am
I enjoyed his humor too but I think you are somewhat mistaken Carol and John is in total denial. There is no way a person can act like that and it not be a real part of who they are unless, a script is written for them and they are getting paid and even then, it doesn’t always work! Did you see how long the good John stayed around? lol. He can’t do it. It is not who he is…
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Come yall, put him on probation…even convicted felons get three strikes. WWJD?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Carol, what you don’t understand is, he has had so many more than three strikes!
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Okay, I’ll have faith that you know what I know not:o)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Wives submit yourselves to your husbands….no what if’s…..
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her….give unto death….
beyond this…. it is selfish and not of the scripture, of the Spirit, or of the direct commandment of the Christ.
When we submit ourselves to Christ we also put the needs of others before our needs.
EVEN OUR WIVES OR OUR HUSBANDS,,,,,
MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU, MY BELOVED………..JVM