When ISN’T A Child’s Actions Reflective of Their Parents?
Written by: Kim Sawyer
As you all know, Tom and I are expecting our first child and we are always interested in hearing what existing parents have learned (or are still learning) about raising their kids. What I’m discovering via these posts and during conversations with other parents is that existing parents have strong opinions on the subject of raising kids.
Earlier this month, we had a post that centered on raising kids. Some of those who commented on this post were of the opinion that kids who throw temper tantrums are a reflection of the parents and their parenting skills. I have to admit that for a long time, I too was of this belief. But now that I’m on the threshold of becoming a parent myself, I have to wonder is this a rational and legitimate way to think.
In this post, I would like to discover (if possible) how long a child’s actions will be reflective of the parents? For example, I’m sure that at one time or another, you’ve all been at a store or at a restaurant and witnessed a child just causing all kinds of havoc (i.e. running around the store, screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing things, etc.) And I am going to make a safe assumption that most of you, if not all of you, have said something along the lines of, “if that was my child, he/she would not be acting like that.” In addition, I will go out on a limb here and bet that some of you have even passed judgment on the parent as not being able to control their child. Ya’ll know I’m telling the truth here.
What about older kids, say teenagers and above? Would you still be of the belief that their actions are a reflection of the parents? Or at this point, do parents began to excuse themselves from the actions of their children by saying something along the lines, “I’ve done (or am doing) all that I can?” For example, what about the teenagers who begin to experiment with drugs? Or those kids who choose to shoot other kids at school? Is this behavior a reflection of their upbringing? Are the parents to blame for these kids’ actions? What if the teenager begins having sex while in high school? Is that a reflection of parenting skills or is it peer pressure? Let me ask this, once a child becomes a teenager/adult, do parents only want their child’s action to be reflective of them when it’s all positive things (i.e. your child is a straight A student, on the honor roll, on the debate team, is still a virgin, accepted into an Ivy league college (or any college for that matter), has a job, is a responsible person, etc.).
I’m back to the title of this post: when isn’t a child reflective of their parents? As a first time parent, I would love to hear your responses.
Tags: child, parenting skills, parents
July 31st, 2008 at 7:47 am
Sad or glad to say, I think all of our lives, someone will connect our actions to our parents and our upbringing. Always!
And… trust me on this one, maybe not teens and above, parents can STOP those temper tantrums. Your post on Noone ever told me I couldn’t do it… so I did it, case in point! Tell a child they can’t do it, and they won’t. Now, it isn’t that simple, many things go along with it, like consistency and firmness. Kids need boundaries, they want boundaries, and they will accept boundaries. But we gotta give them to them! Just ask Supernanny! I love her!
July 31st, 2008 at 7:49 am
In danger of sounding Freudian – isn’t our behaviour a reflection of our parents our whole lives?
Temper tantrums are a development thing – they’ll happen, and often at the worst possible time. I believe they’re expressing the childs inability to cope with a certain situation, and are a cry for help to get out of it. Our duty as parents is to provide a way out. Not by giving in, but by answering the childs (often unarticulated) question: “What am I supposed to do? How do I get out of this? Help me!!!”
Needless to say – violence doesn’t solve it, neither does harsh words or rejection. If you can get through at all, you might be able to “talk the child down” – if not, holding the child close to you, firmly, until the tantrum passes is the only way… And then you can talk. Again, not harshly or judgmentally, but in a calm and rational manner, explaining why this is not acceptable behaviour/why the child can’t have this or that – and if at all possible, offering an alternative that is acceptable to you, without bargaining, and without putting the child down. (Condemn the behaviour, not the child).
DO NOT GIVE IN! If you’ve made a decision, stick to it. This will teach your child: 1. You can be trusted to know what is right. 2. You can be trusted. 3. There is no point in throwing a tantrum.
Among other things…
Back to the original question.
I think small childrens behaviour is dual – partly learning how to coexist with other human beings, partly a reflection of their parents behaviour and their parents ability to answer their questions. (Questions come in a variety of ways – temper tantrums is one…). If parents’ response to running wild in restaurants, throwing things and being a right nuisance is a big fat nothing, how can one expect the child to know that this is unacceptable? That’s just not fair!
As for teens experimenting with drugs, stealing cars and so on – that’s more complex, but I still think it reflects the parents. Teen behaviour is also part of learning how to function in the world. (I have four teens, so I’m in a glass house, but I believe it would be my fault if they hadn’t at least learned how to take care of themselves and the difference between right and wrong). Teens are on the brink of adulthood, and they may not adopt your values. In fact, if you’ve been very strict about trying to make them adopt them, chances are they’ll reject them altogether. Opposite behaviour is a form of reflection too!
The basics though, like staying in control of their bodies (drugs, alcohol, unwanted/unprotected sex), and right/wrong are things they need to know for their own self-preservation. (Note that I don’t put sex in with right/wrong. I think my childrens personal lives should stay personal. I’ve told them about AIDS and unwanted pregnancies, and that the age of consent is there for a reason. We’ve also discussed moral aspects, and anyones right to say “NO”. Apart from that, their intimate affairs are not my business, unless they approach me with a question).
I think my behaviour still reflect my parents (or the parent-like people I grew up with), and I’m approaching 45… I still have to check myself to not behave like my stepmother, and I know that I do behave a lot like my father at times. Still – I know this, and take responsibilty for my own actions.
Maybe your question should be: when does young adults behaviour become their own responsiblity? The answer, in my mind, is a gliding scale between 14 and 20 – depending on many things – one being the level of maturity of the child, and another the level of common sense of the parents…
We’re all products of our childhoods, and I don’t think all “bad people” had “bad parents”, nor did all the “good people” have “good parents”. I just hope that my kids remember their childhoods with a certain amount of fondness!
Sorry – incredibly long rant. I have 6 kids, from 19 to 2… So I guess I’m still in for some temper tantrums! Good luck to you with # 1!
Stines last blog post..Chaos In The Kitchen
July 31st, 2008 at 10:00 am
I agree with kids needing boundaries. Just how far do you go with them, you know?
July 31st, 2008 at 10:12 am
Hi Stine. Welcome to 7daybuzz. First, thank you for your well wishes and second, let me say that I love your post! It is very insightful as you’ve provided examples of your experiences with your 6 kids. This feedback is what I hoped to receive when I posted this. I like that you noted that harsh words and./or being judgmental does not help a child. My favorite part of your post is, “Condemn the behaviour, not the child.” Love it, love it! I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to wrap my mind around your comment, “I think my childrens personal lives should stay personal.” I’m just not sure about that. In today’s society, it is just downright scary to be a teenager. Now just imagine how it’s going to be 13+ years from now when my little girl hits that phase! Right now, I’m just thinking – prayer, prayer and more prayer!
July 31st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I agree with Stine that parenting is with us all of our lives. I propose that parents should be responsible for the actions of their children for all of their lives. Many of societies problems in the last 40 years are because parents do not have enough skin in the game. The loss of connection to family was one of the worst changes that happened in the 20th century.
Parents should be libel for half of any fine that an adult child incurs for criminal charges. Parents should do half of the time in jail for violent crimes committed by adult children. Parents should be libel for half damages awarded in civil suits against adult children. This will dramatically transform the decisions to have children and the way that children are raised.
Parents will need tools that they do not have today to accommodate these changes. The best tool that we could give parents today was an integral part of raising “the greatest generation” – corporal punishment.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Hi Molly. Welcome to 7daybuzz. I agree with you about the breakdown of the family in our society. It has definitely been for the worse. It would be kind of interesting to see how (or if) society would change if parents were held responsible and fined for any criminal and/or civil charges their adult children incur.
July 31st, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Molly, I think that method has been tried. I’m not sure it was with actual adults but I do think it was with older teens. Let me say why I disagree with you though.
I was a single parent. I raised my two children alone and received compliments on my children, especially for their manners. They are good adults and haven’t given me too much trouble but…. as my daughter got older, I saw how different she was from me and how much she was like her father. I’m not saying that is good or bad. It just is. My daughter is a nature over nurture person. In certain areas of life, I tried to put many things in her, she did not grasp; not necessarily good or bad things, just things. But in those same areas, she is like her father who was barely around. Ie – she is more happy go lucky than me in some areas. I think that is a great quality. She probably got that more from her father than me. I actually taught her to be more serious about some matters she lets roll off her back. I’m glad she took that after her father. But that is not what I taught her. Now, if we go by your theory, if she were to do wrong, (doubt it, doubt it) I would have to pay for her sins/wrong doings because I raised her, although in some areas, I didn’t raise her to be the way she turned out. I couldn’t override what was embedded in her from inception.
I don’t even know where her dad is to make him pay! lol.
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
molly, you might need to bring it down a notch. parents should not be held liable to that degree. i aint goin to jail if my kids do something crazy. here’s a thought, take away tv. kids watch tv and learn things, some good and some bad. the internet also. if your kid learns how to build a bomb on the net and then builds one and blows up his school, well then blame the internet. you can teach your kid whats right but then our society also teaches them things. i’m thru, pray my strength in the lord.
August 2nd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
KIds just need a size 13 swift kick in tha butt. Then they don’t cause no trouble.
All this, “Johnny stop this” and “Johnny stop that” don’t do nuttin but tell the kid that mommie is weak or daddy is a punk. Ask bernie Mack what them little vermits need……
February 12th, 2009 at 9:01 am
It’s been my experience that some kids are harder to handle than others and some just like to throw temper tantrums. I have two grandchildren who would pitch a good one once in awhile and their parents just ignored them and it stopped. If you give in it’s going to happen every time they want something and you say no.
My kids didn’t always follow my example and sometimes got into trouble by hanging out with the wrong people. However, I never accepted that as an excuse for stupid behavior and they rarely tried to blame anyone else for what they did. The best advice I can give is to avoid having too many rules and strictly enforce the ones you do have. Be reasonable and as calm as possible when you discipline. Tell them every day how much you love them and that they can do anything they dream of if they work hard enough and don’t give up. Be there for them and let your house be the one that the kids all come to. Your house will be messy and your cupboards empty but you will know what’s going on and where to find your kid when they are late for curfew. Speaking of curfew, my oldest son constantly broke my curfew rule. One night he was late so I painted a giant sign that said, ” Ben, your curfew is 12:30 pm.” I hung it out across the front of our house and since we lived on a busy street he heard about it and was home in less than 10 minutes. It was very effective. Relax and just enjoy your child. I have no regrets and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
elaine kazinecs last blog post..Fabric valentine cookies with ribbon frosting.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Trust me, I am enjoying every single moment of being a mom! It’s awesome and is truly a wonderful blessing.
May 28th, 2011 at 11:48 pm
The inspiration of the rallying cry “Bomb It”.