Trait List: Control
Written by: Tom Sawyer
What is this?
Let’s talk about personalities; we are all so different and we often struggle to get along and/or fit in with those around us. I think to some extent we all struggle with personalities that aren’t like our own. I know I’m guilty of this – I wouldn’t want to be in a room alone with my last college professor.
So this discussion will be about control or controlling people. Hmmm, for some reason a controlling personality is something I feel like talking about today. I wonder why.
Why control?
Many controlling personalities are based on fear even though the controlling individual may have no idea at the time. When you take a step back and ask yourself “Why do I feel the need to dictate or to control this person’s actions or behavior?” many will find that they fear if they do not control the situation, they will lose control of something. Most of the time that something is a spouse or very close friend. You may be afraid that if you do not know where your spouse is at all times or what they are always doing or if they don’t always do it “your way” then you might lose them because you can no longer be in control of that situation.
Pride is another reason some feel as though the need to control. Nobody likes the word and no one wants to have the label “Prideful” attached to his or her name. Pride shows an unwillingness to back down regardless of right or wrong. An unwillingness to accept that the other person might be right and that you might be wrong.
The list
Let’s look at some things that indicate a controlling personality. Feel free to comment and add to the list.
- Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with problems objectively and will blame others for them.
- When controlling personalities sense they are losing control, they can psychologically induce physical problems such as back pain, fainting and hives. This is simply their way of gaining control of the situation again.
- Controlling personalities will think the focus is automatically on them. The conversation will eventually turn towards them or they will assume others always have them or their problems/situations on their minds.
- Controlling people will attempt to put others down so they can feel superior. This occurs even if the controlling person is clearly wrong and/or not superior in a particular area.
- Controlling people want to be heard, but will not listen.
- Controlling people may refuse to be honest with themselves.
- A controlling person will try to play head games in order to hide this major fault that they have.
- Controlling people are very manipulative. They will not like it when you try to stand up for yourself about something that is important to you. Always try to stay calm in conflicted conversations and do not lose your cool. Keep in mind that they probably will because you are challenging their control. End conversations immediately if they start to get verbally violent either by leaving or saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.
- Controlling people will leave a situation where they cannot be in control even if they want to be there.
- Controlling people are often bullies and do not like it when someone stands up to them.
Do you know any controlling people?
Tags: controlling, people
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:20 am
11. Controlling people are unable to coupe with change. They fear and are intimidated by people they perceived to be different and/or better than themselves. Controlling people can not think out the box, they look for fault in others, due in part to their inferior state of mind.
For example, have you ever met a person that went out of their way to prove that you are incompetent; rather than allow you the opportunity to prove yourself worthy. Pointing out every error you make, and loudly criticize you in an attempt to draw negative attention to you? Then other weak minded individuals quickly followed suite with the controlling personality. This is a management term referred to as “Group Think”, when the lesser beings follow the controlling personality, it doesn’t matter if they are right or wrong.
12. Controlling people are not mentally equip to agreed to disagreed, you either with them or against them. They don’t understand the concept of conflict resolution. Meaning, all conflict is not bad! Sometimes we got to agreed to disagreed to bring about positive change.
I agreed, with your statement on pride. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Pride is what keeps us from admitting when we make poor judgment call or not able to come back and say I was wrong; I made a mistake; I need to retract my statement, so on and so forth…
It will behoove controlling personalities (type A personalities) to learn that it is not all about them!
August 24th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Hmmm, I was really surprised this post didn’t get more feedback. I was really looking forward to this discussion. I think opening talking about this “weak, pitiful, petty and insecure trait” will help some folks to grow.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:48 am
This post will hit home to a lot of people, which may be why the commenting is minimal. I’m not sure I agree with all items on the list being characterized as a controlling trait. For instance, #4 seems to be a description of a very insecure person as opposed to someone who is controlling. I don’t think an insecure person is a controlling person. But I can be off track. I do, however, wholeheartedly agree that a controlling person is a fearful person.
Kim Sawyers last blog post..Why Not Pastor Marvin Sapp!
August 24th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I believe that insecurity and controlling behavior are somewhat synonymous. For if the person characterized as controlling was confident in his/her own self-worthy they would not feel the need to control others. I think part of the insecurity is of losing control.
August 24th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Okay. It makes more sense to me now. Thanks.:–)
Kim Sawyers last blog post..Why Not Pastor Marvin Sapp!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I didn’t comment on this topic because for some reason, I didn’t read it all the way through. Lol.
Kim, I think you hit it on the head when you said, it will hit home to a lot of people. I think most people are somewhat controlling in some area or another. I think bullies appear to be the biggest controllers but me personally, I can deal with bullies. Typically, they come straight at you. What I can’t stand is, passive aggressive people! Lawd have mercy!!! Those quiet, everybody loves them, type! They control in a pleasant mild mannered tone, as sweet as they wanna be, but nevertheless, they are controlling the situation. Have you ever seen a person who “asks” their children to do something instead of “telling” them to do something? Ie – you wanna go do the dishes? Vs. you need to go do the dishes now. I have seen it and it is ugly. It trickles down into everything they do! At work with co-workers, with friends while eating out, etc. Ok, that is one point.
My next point is, how you gonna call me controlling but then turn around and ask/need me to control what you can’t? I have been called controlling and I hate it, especially when, I don’t want to control anything. Being a single mom and coming from a family where both sides are opinionated/controlling people, here I am. But when someone calls me controlling in this area but then runs to me and says, (basically) control this situation in this area, and says crap like: you can handle business better than me, or you can talk to people better than me, or whatever, that is not fair! So that means I have to walk around knowing when to take charge of a situation or when to step back and let you have it? Uh uh, not fair!
Kim, I must agree with Carol, some of the most “seemingly” controlling people do it out of insecurity which in my opinion equals fear. There are times when someone is trying to control me, and I do feel it is their insecurity flaring up. I think a lot of relationships end because the fear one person had of loosing the other, overtook that person and they played out that fear as controlling and abusive, which in turn, made their fear of loosing that person become reality.
Good post. Made me stop and think about myself. I hate stopping and thinking about myself!!! And I even hate admitting it more!!!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Good comment Kathy. It’s true; we don’t like to face ourselves. Personally, I don’t think I’m controlling, opinionated, perhaps; but not controlling. I’m sure there are times when we all appear to be controlling, depending on the situation and who is not getting his/her way.
I have learned that the only thing I have control over is me. I can’t control what other people say or do, but I can control how I react to it.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Kathy, what are the criteria for the rating of comments, are they based on an objective scaling system or at the editor’s discretion.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Kathy I’m proud to know someone like you, that will speak her mind. It makes me feel confident in knowing that if you ever had anything you wanted to say about me you would tell me yourself directly and not displace passive aggressive behavior, by beating around the brush.
Aggressive: overbearing, all up in your face saying whatever comes to mind.
Passive: weak, to afraid to speak up
Assertive. say what they want in nice way. (Carol)
I think we all get the message here, loud and clear.