It is commonly believed that a strong family unit creates a safe, positive and supportive place for all members to thrive.  In other words, a strong family unit is able to utilize resources and to live together in a fairly healthy manner.  But with the way the family unit is declining, I have a couple of questions for you:  Do you think family values have slipped?  Or better yet, what exactly makes up a strong family that possesses good family values?

Today I’m concerned about this more than any other day in my life.  Today is the day my daughter will be born and I feel the change in responsibility already.  I have a former co-worker, who referred to Kim and I as DINKs, which stands for Dual Income No Kids.  As you read this, that term is no longer applicable to us!  Simply put — one child, increased responsibilities!  Obviously, we are the adults in our small family unit, so the responsibilities that go along with raising a child fall squarely on our shoulders.

In a strong family unit, the adults set the tone. They lead by example. They reach out to friends and community and teach their children the importance of doing the same — and that becomes part of who the children are. They work together to solve problems, and they pass their skills on to the next generation. Some important elements of a strong family system are family cohesion, family flexibility and family communication.

Cohesion could be thought of as the feeling of being loved, of belonging to the group and being nurtured by it. A family cannot always be together, and that is a good thing, but the confidence that goes along with being part of that family unit must be there.

Structure in a family is a must or it will become chaotic and will not be a peaceful setting. On the other hand, there must be flexibility or the family becomes rigid and the authority figures become resented.  The strong family unit works together to avoid stressful situations and solve problems without blaming, criticizing and finding fault with each other.  Families that tend to have a strong spiritual base seem to have a sense of well-being that facilitates this working together in times of stress.

Ever hear the saying, “What we have here is a failure to communicate?” A lack of communication can rip a family apart and destroy them. Things that facilitate communication are the things like family closeness, flexibility, time spent together, spirituality. All members must feel a freedom within the group to express themselves freely.

The leader(s) of the family are looked at for guidance and as role models, both very important. In a family that is parented by a happily married couple, people are able to express themselves more freely. A happy marriage seems to set the tone in the house. It spills over from the family to the community and a healthy family will be reaching out to help others. They do not tend to isolate themselves from the rest of the world. Much of this I learned from growing up, but now I take on a new role.

It will be very important for us is to teach our daughter to make good decisions.  If she watches us make well, thought out decisions, there is a better probability of her becoming a good decision maker.

A healthy, happy family benefits our whole society. There are less traditional families than ever before and that doesn’t necessarily signal a negative impact on children.  There are single parents out there who do an excellent job raising their children and for taking on the responsibilities of mother and father, they should be applauded.

Are our family values so much less than they once were and if so, what can we do to change them for the better?

As you all know, Tom and I are expecting our first child and we are always interested in hearing what existing parents have learned (or are still learning) about raising their kids. What I’m discovering via these posts and during conversations with other parents is that existing parents have strong opinions on the subject of raising kids.

Earlier this month, we had a post that centered on raising kids. Some of those who commented on this post were of the opinion that kids who throw temper tantrums are a reflection of the parents and their parenting skills. I have to admit that for a long time, I too was of this belief. But now that I’m on the threshold of becoming a parent myself, I have to wonder is this a rational and legitimate way to think.

In this post, I would like to discover (if possible) how long a child’s actions will be reflective of the parents? For example, I’m sure that at one time or another, you’ve all been at a store or at a restaurant and witnessed a child just causing all kinds of havoc (i.e. running around the store, screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing things, etc.) And I am going to make a safe assumption that most of you, if not all of you, have said something along the lines of, “if that was my child, he/she would not be acting like that.” In addition, I will go out on a limb here and bet that some of you have even passed judgment on the parent as not being able to control their child. Ya’ll know I’m telling the truth here.

What about older kids, say teenagers and above? Would you still be of the belief that their actions are a reflection of the parents? Or at this point, do parents began to excuse themselves from the actions of their children by saying something along the lines, “I’ve done (or am doing) all that I can?” For example, what about the teenagers who begin to experiment with drugs? Or those kids who choose to shoot other kids at school? Is this behavior a reflection of their upbringing? Are the parents to blame for these kids’ actions? What if the teenager begins having sex while in high school? Is that a reflection of parenting skills or is it peer pressure? Let me ask this, once a child becomes a teenager/adult, do parents only want their child’s action to be reflective of them when it’s all positive things (i.e. your child is a straight A student, on the honor roll, on the debate team, is still a virgin, accepted into an Ivy league college (or any college for that matter), has a job, is a responsible person, etc.).

I’m back to the title of this post: when isn’t a child reflective of their parents? As a first time parent, I would love to hear your responses.