It is commonly believed that a strong family unit creates a safe, positive and supportive place for all members to thrive.  In other words, a strong family unit is able to utilize resources and to live together in a fairly healthy manner.  But with the way the family unit is declining, I have a couple of questions for you:  Do you think family values have slipped?  Or better yet, what exactly makes up a strong family that possesses good family values?

Today I’m concerned about this more than any other day in my life.  Today is the day my daughter will be born and I feel the change in responsibility already.  I have a former co-worker, who referred to Kim and I as DINKs, which stands for Dual Income No Kids.  As you read this, that term is no longer applicable to us!  Simply put — one child, increased responsibilities!  Obviously, we are the adults in our small family unit, so the responsibilities that go along with raising a child fall squarely on our shoulders.

In a strong family unit, the adults set the tone. They lead by example. They reach out to friends and community and teach their children the importance of doing the same — and that becomes part of who the children are. They work together to solve problems, and they pass their skills on to the next generation. Some important elements of a strong family system are family cohesion, family flexibility and family communication.

Cohesion could be thought of as the feeling of being loved, of belonging to the group and being nurtured by it. A family cannot always be together, and that is a good thing, but the confidence that goes along with being part of that family unit must be there.

Structure in a family is a must or it will become chaotic and will not be a peaceful setting. On the other hand, there must be flexibility or the family becomes rigid and the authority figures become resented.  The strong family unit works together to avoid stressful situations and solve problems without blaming, criticizing and finding fault with each other.  Families that tend to have a strong spiritual base seem to have a sense of well-being that facilitates this working together in times of stress.

Ever hear the saying, “What we have here is a failure to communicate?” A lack of communication can rip a family apart and destroy them. Things that facilitate communication are the things like family closeness, flexibility, time spent together, spirituality. All members must feel a freedom within the group to express themselves freely.

The leader(s) of the family are looked at for guidance and as role models, both very important. In a family that is parented by a happily married couple, people are able to express themselves more freely. A happy marriage seems to set the tone in the house. It spills over from the family to the community and a healthy family will be reaching out to help others. They do not tend to isolate themselves from the rest of the world. Much of this I learned from growing up, but now I take on a new role.

It will be very important for us is to teach our daughter to make good decisions.  If she watches us make well, thought out decisions, there is a better probability of her becoming a good decision maker.

A healthy, happy family benefits our whole society. There are less traditional families than ever before and that doesn’t necessarily signal a negative impact on children.  There are single parents out there who do an excellent job raising their children and for taking on the responsibilities of mother and father, they should be applauded.

Are our family values so much less than they once were and if so, what can we do to change them for the better?

I’m about to enter territory I’ve never had the pleasure of going before and a small amount of anxiety is setting in.  At the beginning of next month I will be a father for the first time.  What’s more frightening is we are having a little girl, something I was afraid of from day one because I knew she would have her daddy wrapped from the start!  Oh no, it doesn’t even stop there.  My wife (Kim) is an only child which means this is my mother-in-law’s first (maybe only) grandchild.  As if that isn’t enough, I’m the last one in my family to have a child (I have one brother and three sisters who all have two kids) and my youngest niece is 15.  You know what that amounts to?  One spoiled little girl!

Just yesterday, I finally gave up and told Kim that the baby is going to get whatever she wants.  I was acting as if my proclamation made it official, as if all the stuff I’ve bought didn’t already show what is really going on.  But when I speak of all the things I plan on doing I don’t like to use the word spoiled because to me that has always indicated how a child would behave.  I had to hit the web and do a little research on the subject.

“A spoiled child is one who’s demanding, self-centered, and unreasonable,” says Harvey Karp, MD, creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book. He tells WebMD spoiled children may be easier to get along with when they get their way, but giving in to their demands ultimately makes them feel isolated and confused. “There is a seed of discontent that you sow when you allow a child to be spoiled,” he says. “They’ve used so much manipulation to get what they want, they don’t know when someone is genuinely giving to them.”

Psychologist Ruth A. Peters, PhD, author of the child discipline manual Laying Down the Law, agrees. “Spoiling doesn’t prepare them for anything but heartache later in life,” she says, adding that a spoiled child typically grows into a spoiled adult, and spoiled adults have trouble maintaining a job, a spouse, and friendships.

There are many things the “experts” say about raising a spoiled child and since I’m going to be dealing with an infant soon I have plenty of time to work this out.  However, some things I found I think are just wrong.  Does anyone remember when we didn’t have so many educated “experts” and more “Big Mammas?”  Coincidentally, the world had less crime then too - I will leave that subject alone for now.

Let’s look at some things to think about:

1.  Making Your Child the Center of the World

The experts say: Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavioral Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. “Children need to understand give and take,” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”
I say: First notice how they call the child “her” which says something to me.  For me, I’m having a child later than most and have had a lot of fun.  To a certain extent, she will be the center of my world and I’m not even going to think differently.

2.  Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

The experts say: If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature — part of your job as a parent is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.
I say: I grew up in a disciplined household, have spent more than 19 years in the military and refuse to bend on this one.  No sir, yes ma’am, thank you and excuse me are things that will be taught as soon as possible. It would be so embarrassing to have my daughter go out and not know how to be a polite young lady.  It is my responsibility to teach her better.

3.  Giving in to Temper Tantrums

The experts say: Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit — which is not how things work in the real world. “If you throw a temper tantrum as an adult, bad things happen,” Peters points out.
I say: Pray for me!  I don’t want to go to jail, but if she shows out in public…just pray for me! I’ve been told things will change when I have a child of my own, but I just get dizzy thinking about her on the floor kicking and screaming in the mall.  I really don’t want to spare the rod.  As a matter of fact I think she has some whippings coming already.  Just playing!

For this subject, comments are going to help us as new parents.  Kim is going to post something giving her point of view, but I wanted to share my feelings first.  I really want to hear what others think about raising a child in this day and age.  Things have really changed - don’t we miss the good old days?

“Expert” opinions can be found in the online article 10 Ways to Raise a Spoiled Child.

Happpy 4th of July to all!!!!!!!!